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Bo's Journey Home - Chapter 17 Bo continued to hold Matthew against his chest, his face still against Matthew’s, both breathing hard, both not speaking. Matthew’s tears had subsided. “Let go of me now,” Matthew demanded.   Bo cautiously released him. Matthew jerked away from him and turned, heading back to Bo’s truck. Bo followed close behind. Matthew once again climbed into the passenger side. Bo walked around the back of the truck and pulled two bottles of root beer from the cooler he had packed, then he climbed into the driver’s side. The truck was still running. Bo looked over at Matthew, closed his eyes, and made a decision.   He opened his eyes and turned to look at his very unhappy son. “Okay Matthew,” he began. “You say I make all of the rules, right, that you never get any say.” Matthew didn’t respond. He sat there sulking, his head down. Bo twisted the lid off one of the bottles of soda and took a sip.   “How about this?” Bo offered after a moment. “You come with me now; you spend the next two days with me, let me talk to you about everything you know; let me try and explain everything to you and answer every question you have.” Bo hesitated to let that sink in.   Matthew still hadn’t looked up so Bo continued. “Give me a chance to prove to you how much I love you and want to be a real father to you.” He paused again, desperately wanting that to sink in. “You give me two days to do all of that, and, by the end of the weekend, if you still feel like you do right now, and want nothing more to do with me,” Bo exhaled, looking out his driver side window, not believing the words he was about to say; “I’ll leave you alone. I won’t bother you anymore.” He looked back at Matthew. “What do you say?”   Matthew finally looked up at Bo. “Just two days?”   Bo nodded, putting up his fingers. “Just two.”   Matthew was suspicious. “And I just have to listen.”   Bo nodded again, extending his arm and tapping Matthew’s chest by his heart. “Just you,” then Bo tapped his own heart. “and me; man to man, father to son. What do you say? Here’s your chance to make part of the rules.”   Matthew looked away from him for a just a second, subconsciously rubbing his chest where Bo had just tapped him, remembering what Harry had said to him about ‘trusting his heart.’ Matthew looked back at Bo. “And if I say so, you’ll leave me and mom alone?”   Bo nodded cautiously. “If that’s want you really want me to do. Do we have a deal?” Matthew looked at him and nodded. Bo nodded back at him. “Okay then.” Bo opened the other bottle of root beer and extended it towards Matthew. “So. No more running away from me?” Matthew nodded his head in agreement, accepting the bottle from Bo and taking a sip. Bo nodded again, smiling. “Good. I’m getting to old for sprints.”   Matthew looked out the passenger side window. “I don’t know about that,” Matthew muttered. “You seemed pretty quick to me.”   Bo tried to stifle his chuckle. “Thanks.” He looked over at him. “You ready?” Matthew looked from the window and back at Bo, nodding, taking another sip from the bottle of soda. Bo put the truck into drive. “Buckle that seat belt.” Matthew pulled the seat belt across his body, and then Bo pulled away. They drove in silence for a while, listening to Bo’s CD of Delbert McClinton. Matthew was the one who broke the silence. “Mom has this CD. She listens to it all of the time. I know all the words.”   Bo smiled to himself, remembering when he gave that CD to Nora. “We like the same music, your mom and me.” Bo reached for the volume and turned it up some. “Seems you like the same music, too.” Bo looked over at him and smiled.   Matthew shrugged and gave him a slight smile back. “So, where we going?”   Bo stared out the windshield, driving, answering casually. “My cabin, up on Llantano Mountain.”   “What’s there?” Matthew asked.   “Piece and quiet.” Bo replied.   Matthew rolled his eyes. “I mean, what’s there to do?” Bo glanced over at him and smiled again, glad that Matthew was finally talking calmly. “Well, there’s a lake, and we can swim, or go boating, and there’s a miniature golf place in town.”   Matthew stuck his lower lip out and nodded. “Sounds okay.”   Bo matched his look and his tone. “Well, good.” They arrived at the cabin kind of late. Matthew helped Bo unpack the truck. Once that was done, Bo led Matthew out of the cabin to the dock, to show him around the lake. Bo’s motor boat was all ready moored there, along with the Jet Ski.   Matthew looked from the boat and Jet Ski over to Bo.   “Are they yours?” he asked amazed. Bo nodded. “Cool,” said Matthew. They went back up to the cabin.   “You hungry?” Bo asked him.   Matthew nodded. “I can always eat.”   Bo hid his smile this time. He was his mother’s son. “Pizza sound good? There’s a pretty good place in town. Not as good as Sal’s back home, but the best up here.” Matthew nodded in agreement.   They climbed back into the truck and got to the pizza house. They ordered the pizza and took it back to the cabin. They sat across from one another at the table in the kitchen, quietly eating. Matthew put his slice of pizza down and looked across at Bo. “You said you would talk, explain things.”   Bo nodded. “You’re right.”   Matthew extended his hand out towards Bo. “So, talk.”   Bo cleared his throat, not sure where to begin. “Do you want to ask me anything?”   Matthew shook his head. “No. I want you to tell me why you lied to me.”   Bo spoke quietly. “Matthew, I didn’t lie to you.”   Matthew pointed out what he thought was obvious. “You pretended to be my friend when you are really my father. Pretending is the same thing as lying.”   Bo shook his head. “I wasn’t pretending to be your friend. I am your friend.”   Matthew shook his head again. “No, you’re my real father. Why didn’t you tell me?"   Bo spoke softly. "Because you had all ready lost the only father you had known.”   Matthew interrupted, unable to control his anger as he let the words tumble from his mouth. “Because you let me believe he was my father. You left mom and let someone else take your place, you let me love someone else.”   Bo interrupted Matthew, trying to calm him. “Slow down, Matthew. Let me explain.”   Matthew glared at Bo.” Why? So you can lie to me some more?”   Bo raised his voice slightly. “I’ve never lied to you and I’m not about to start now.”   “Well, I want you to tell me the truth now.” Matthew demanded. “Why did you leave my mom?” He looked hard at Bo. “Was it because of me? Didn’t you want me?”   Bo was surprised at the bluntness of his questions and was beginning to understand some of Matthew's recent torment. “Is that what you've been thinking? That I didn't want you?”   Matthew continued to stare at Bo. “Well? Did you?”   Bo smiled at him gently. “Of course I wanted you.”   Matthew countered. “Then didn’t you want my mom?”   Bo’s answer came easily. “I loved your mother more than anything.”   Matthew interrupted him again. “You didn’t answer my question. Didn’t you want my mom?”   Bo nodded slowly. “Yes, Matthew, I wanted your mother very much.”   Matthew shrugged. “Then I don’t understand why you left us.”   Bo tried to explain, patiently. “Wanting you and your mother was not the problem.”   Matthew’s next question was almost in a whine. “If wanting me wasn’t a problem and wanting mom wasn’t a problem, then what was the problem?”   Bo heaved a heavy sigh. “Us staying married became a problem, Matthew.”   Matthew shook his head. “I thought you loved each other. That’s what you both have told me.”   Bo nodded as all of the old feelings started to rise within him. “We did love each other.”   “Well, married people who love each other, stay married,” Matthew said simply.   Bo spoke softly. “But sometimes married people do things for each other that they think are right, but instead, turn out to hurt each other and then they can’t stay married anymore.”   Matthew looked confused. “Why would you hurt someone you loved? That doesn’t make any sense.”   Bo spoke gently. “We didn’t mean to hurt each other. Things happened.”   Matthew sat back in the chair, his arms folded across his chest. “Like what things?   Father and son stared at each other across the table. Bo closed his eyes for a second. He swore he would never go back to that time. He opened his eyes to focus on Matthew. Only for this boy, his son, would he venture back to those memories. Bo took a deep breath and spoke. “I didn’t know I was your father when I left your mother. I thought Sam was your father.”   Matthew stared at Bo, confused. “Why would you think that? Weren’t you married to mom first?”   Bo nodded. “Yes, I was married to you mother first. But there were things that happened before you were born that made us all think that Sam was your father.”   “What things happened?” Matthew asked again.   Bo never expected to have to try and explain this part of their past, this part of his life. He tried avoidance. “A lot of big people things happened that might be hard for you to understand.”   “You said you would tell me everything,” Matthew argued angrily. “I might be little, but I understand a lot more than you think. I want you to explain everything that happened. That’s what you said you would do.”   Bo nodded almost to himself. Avoidance wasn’t going to work. He would have to try and explain everything. Bo tried to calm Matthew’s anger. “Okay. You’re right. I did say I would answer all of your questions, so I’m going to try and explain this to you in a way that you can understand.” Bo spoke the words slowly. “I couldn’t stay married to your mom, because she asked Sam to help her make a baby. And that’s why you lived with Sam all this time.”   Matthew absorbed that thoughtfully. “I don’t understand. She was married to you. Why would she ask Sam to help her make a baby if she was married to you?”   Bo spoke slowly. “Because sometimes married people can’t make a baby.”   Matthew repeated his question. “But why would she ask Sam to help her make a baby?”   Bo paused again, thinking back. “Before you were born, something bad happened to me, something that made me very sad. I ran away from everyone who loved me, including your mom.”   Matthew grew suddenly quiet. “You ran away? Like me?”   Bo smiled at him gently. “Yeah, just like you.”   “Well, what happened to you?” Matthew asked him. “What were you sad about?”   Bo spoke softly. “I had another son before you, who died.”   Matthew was surprised. “Really? How did he die?”   Bo swallowed hard. “He was a policeman and he got shot.” Bo took a deep breath and continued. “I was so sad when my son died, I got in my boat and took it out during a bad storm because I felt like I wanted to die and be with him. So I didn’t care what happened to me on the boat during the storm. But your mom cared. She called for me over the radio on the boat. She told me she loved me and wanted me to come home. Your mom was trying to do anything to get me off that boat. So, she told me the one thing she thought would work; she pretended that was having a baby.”   Matthew was really surprised. “Mom lied?”   Bo shook his head quickly. “No not really. She really was going to have a baby.” Bo smiled at Matthew. “You.” He paused before continuing. “She just didn’t know it when she told me. So, she thought she was lying, but she really wasn’t.” Bo thought to himself for just a moment; If we had only known the truth at that one moment, how different things might be right now. Bo shook himself from that regret and continued. “When they got me off my boat, I was very sick and I was in the hospital. The hospital told your mom that even though we were married, she and I could not make a baby together. Your mom was so sad and wanted so much for us to have a baby.” Bo stopped, remembering everything as if it were yesterday. He quietly continued. “That she went and asked Sam to help her make a baby. When I found out, I got very angry at your mom and I left her.”   Matthew stood up suddenly. “Just like that. You got mad and you left? Mom and me got no vote?”   Bo was taken back by Matthew’s sudden anger and tried to patiently explain. “No, not ‘just like that.’ Matthew, it wasn’t easy for me to leave.”   Matthew shook his head. “I don’t understand. Why would you leave someone you loved?”   Bo spoke softly. “Because my heart forgot that I loved her. My heart was so full of hurt that there wasn’t any room left for the love to fit. And that’s why I couldn’t stay married to your mom anymore. Deep down inside, the love was still there; I just couldn’t find it. My heart hurt more than my heart loved her.”   Matthew shook his head again. “I still don't understand. Why did your heart hurt?”   Bo heaved a heavy sigh. This was becoming harder than he ever thought. “Because I thought Sam was your real father and not me. And that’s why I left your mom.”   Matthew walked away from the kitchen table, turning away from Bo. “And me,” he added.   “Yes,” Bo answered regretfully. “I thought that it would be better for you to be with Sam. We all thought Sam was your real father. When I left your mom, I didn’t know that I was your father. None of us did.”   “So you did leave because of me.” Matthew said matter-of-factly from across the room.   Bo closed his eyes for a just a second. He tried to make Matthew understand. “No, not because of you, Matthew. I did it for you. I thought it was best for you to be with the man we all thought was your real father.”   Matthew walked over towards the bedroom door, his back to Bo. “Did mom tell you she was sorry for asking Sam to help her make a baby?”   Bo nodded. “She tried. I wouldn’t listen to her.”   Matthew still had his back to Bo. “So you wouldn’t forgive her?”   Bo could barely speak. “Not when she asked me to.”   There was silence between them now. “I don’t want to hear anymore right now.” He turned to face Bo. “I’m really tired. Can I go to bed now?”   Bo was concerned to end the conversation at this point. “Matthew, I know this is big people stuff, and I’m trying to explain it to you the best that I can. Do you understand that I didn’t know I was your father back then; none of us did. Your mom and me just found out.”   Matthew opened the bedroom door. “I just want to be by myself right now, okay.”   Bo stopped him once more. “Matthew, do you understand why I thought you should live with Sam?”   Matthew shrugged a little dejectedly. “I’m trying. It still sounds like you didn’t want me, and that you didn’t want mom because of me.”   Bo suddenly. “No, Matthew. Not because of you. It was never because of you.”   Matthew shrugged. “I don’t want to talk about it anymore. I just want to go to bed, okay.” Bo nodded and Matthew turned from him and closed the bedroom door behind him.   Bo heaved an exhausted sigh. Bringing Matthew to the lodge had seemed like a good idea when Bo had first thought about it. But now, all of this was a whole lot harder than he thought. Bo cleared the pizza box from the table and then went and sat out on the porch. There were millions of stars out. He sat on the glider, looking up at them. If he could wish on one star tonight, it would be to go back and change that time of his life. It was like deju vu. He had signed away Drew because he thought it was best for him. And he had walked away from Matthew because he thought it was best for him. What did he know?   He finally got up and went to check on Matthew. He was sound asleep, sprawled across the bed, half in, half out of the sleeping bag. For a little guy, he took up the whole bed. Bo smiled. Bed hog, just like his mother. He moved the sleeping bag back up over Matthew’s chest, smoothing his hair. He kissed Matthew’s forehead gently, whispering softly. “I promise, I will make this right for us, Matthew.” He left the bedroom and headed out to the sofa. He untied his hiking boots, pulled the horse blanket from the back of the sofa over himself and lay back. What was he thinking, when he thought he could explain that entire nightmare he called his life to a 6 year old boy? And what would he do if Matthew asked him to walk away? He had to convince Matthew he loved him and to let him in his life. He had to convince Matthew he was there to stay. Bo tossed and turned, not able to sleep. To be continued