Bo and Nora Forever Soulmates MESSAGE BOARD FAN FICTION VIDEOS & PICTURES FAVE SCENES ARTICLES HBS and NORA BIO RSW and BO BIO CHAT ROOM FAVE LINKS BO and NORA HOME PAGE E-MAIL US

Bo's Journey Home - Chapter 18 Bo dragged himself off the sofa a few hours later, giving up on trying to get any sleep. It was early Saturday morning. He wondered how Matthew would be this morning. Last night had not gone as well as Bo had hoped. He had never expected to have to explain everything about the past. Bo knew Matthew would have more questions, more confusions. He just wondered if Matthew would still share them with him. For that matter, Bo wondered if Matthew would still be speaking to him. He was sipping coffee when Matthew came slowly out of the bedroom, his face still full of sleep.   Bo greeted him cautiously. “Good morning, Matthew.”   Matthew stretched his arms above his head and yawned. “Hi,” he muttered.   Bo looked at him intently. “Sleep okay?” Matthew shrugged. Bo pointed to the box of powdered jelly donuts on the table. “Hungry?”   Matthew looked up at Bo doubtfully. “Donuts? For breakfast?”   Bo nodded, taking a bite of one. “Sure. Why not?”   Matthew shook his head in amazement, reaching for one. “Mom never lets me have donuts for breakfast.”   Bo smiled, thinking how Nora used to have junk food for breakfast all the time. “Well, Mom’s not here.” He smiled. “I am.”   Matthew smiled a mirror image of Bo’s smile back at him, taking a donut and biting into it, the powdered sugar covering his chin and lips. “Root beer, too?” Matthew asked.   Bo pretended to scowl. “How about some apple juice instead?” Matthew paused, thinking a moment and then nodded. Bo smiled mischievously as he poured Matthew a glass of apple juice. “We can tell Mom you had fruit for breakfast.”   Matthew’s smile widened. “Okay.”   Bo handed him the glass of juice, feeling a bit please with himself for this small break through with Matthew. “Now that wasn’t so hard, was it?” he asked, picking up his coffee cup and sipping.   Matthew took a large gulp of the juice, swallowing and then took another bite of the donut, more powdered sugar falling. “What?”   Bo lowered his coffee cup from his mouth. “Smiling.” Matthew held his smile and let out a small chuckle as Bo reached over and padded his cheek softly, gently rubbing the powdered sugar from Matthew’s chin with his thumb. He held Matthew’s gaze in his. “Keep it up, it looks good on you.” He sipped at his coffee and quietly continued. “Do you feel like talking about last night?”   Matthew shook his head no, the smile fading somewhat. “Not right now.”   Bo nodded his agreement. “Good, me either. Feel like a boat ride?”   Matthew stopped in mid chew. “Really?” he asked with a mouth full of donut.   “Don’t talk with your mouth full.” Bo corrected him absently. “Chew first.”   Matthew chewed what was in his mouth and swallowed quickly. “Really? We can go out on the boat?”   Bo nodded, grabbing at the sides of his swim shorts. “I’m ready to go if you are.”   Matthew jumped down from the table and ran into his room. “Two minutes! Wait!”   Bo heaved a sigh of relief and then chuckled as he watched Matthew race off to the other room. A boat ride would be good for both of them. True to his word, Matthew was back in two minutes, dressed in swim shorts only. Bo pointed to Matthew’s feet. “You need your boat shoes,” he pointing to Matthew’s bare chest. “And a tee shirt and a towel.” Matthew scowled, but ran back to his room and returned with all items. Bo was waiting by the door, holding a small cooler in his hand. “Ready?”   Matthew smiled at him, grabbing his donut off the table. “Ready.”   Bo and Matthew stayed out on the boat all day. Bo had explained everything about the boat to Matthew and Bo was impressed at how quickly he learned and how much he retained. Bo showed Matthew how to drive the boat and soon Matthew was steering it all over the lake. They grounded the boat on one of the beaches of the lake and ate lunch, swam in the water all afternoon, and as the sun started to go down, they pushed the boat back into the water and headed back to the cabin. The sun was setting as they walked from the dock up to the cabin. They each had a bottle of water.   Matthew took a sip of water, and then spoke, stopping on the steps as Bo walked up onto the porch. “So you left mom because you thought it was best for me?”   Bo was caught off guard, almost spitting out the mouthful of water he had just gulped from the bottle. “What?”   Matthew looked straight at him. “Last night, you said when you left mom, it was because it was best for me.”   Bo paused, still choking a bit on the water. “Give me a second here, Matthew, to catch up.” He looked back at Matthew. “That came out of nowhere.”   Matthew shrugged. “Not for me. I’ve been thinking about everything you said last night.” Again, he looked straight into Bo’s eyes. “Did you ever think about what was best for mom?”   Bo took a few breaths, remembering exactly where he had left off the previous night. “I thought it was best for both of you for me to leave.”   Matthew shook his head dejectedly. “I think it would have been best for both of you if I had never been born.”   “No way, Matthew,” Bo disagreed quickly. “Don’t you think that for a second. You are the best thing to ever happen to me and your mom.”   Matthew shook his head dejectedly. “But if it wasn’t for me, you two would still be married. She’d be happy.”   Bo shook his head, correcting him. “If it wasn’t for me,” Bo began. “I ran away from her. If I had let your mother help me when I needed her most, things might be different between us. But it was never because of you.” He looked back at Matthew and spoke. “I was angry with your mother and Sam, but not you. And I left because I thought that you and your mother would be better off with Sam.”   Matthew raised his voice. “And better off without you?”   Bo nodded, leaning back against the porch railing. “Yes.”   Matthew was still standing on the steps. “Did you and Mom even think that maybe the hospital had made a mistake about who my real father was? Did you even try and fight for me, for us? Did you even want to? Or did you not love either of us enough to care about us anymore?”   Bo waved for Matthew to come up onto the porch and pointed to a chair. “Come here, and sit down.” Matthew hesitated and then moved to the chair in front of Bo. “My leaving wasn’t about wanting or loving you or your mother. It was about me, being angry and hurt. And yes, we thought there might have been a mistake. But when we had the hospital check, we were told Sam was your father.”   Matthew continued his barrage of questions. “How old was I when you left us?”   Bo hated remembering this part the most. He hated it even more having to have to say it out loud. “I left just before you were born; after your mother told me that Sam was your real father.”   Matthew’s face was one of surprise. “I wasn’t even born yet?”   Bo nodded, unable to respond. Matthew continued to stare straight at him, firing questions at him. “Did mom ask you to leave?”   Bo looked into Matthew’s eyes. “No, she didn’t.”   Matthew finally asked the question he had been afraid to ask. “Did mom,” he paused, using Gabrielle’s words. “Cry, and beg you to stay?”   Bo hesitated, remembering the look in Nora’s eyes that day he left. He would never forget it. “She asked me not to leave.”   Matthew felt let down by Bo’s response. “But did she cry?” Bo nodded, unable to speak. Matthew continued. “And you didn’t care? You left her anyway.”   Bo was trying to help him understand. “Because I was angry and hurt, not because I didn’t care about her.” He looked at Matthew. “It was the biggest mistake of my life, Matthew. I have regretted it every single day since.”   Matthew’s tone was very matter of fact. “Well, if the hospital said you and mom couldn’t make a baby, how do you know that you are my real father now?”   Bo was trying to keep up with all Matthew’s questions. They seem to come from all angles. “The hospital made another mistake."   Matthew folded his arms across his chest. “This hospital doesn’t sound like a very good one to me.”   “You’re right,” Bo said. “But making the choice to leave you and your mom with Sam wasn’t just about the hospital making a mistake. It was about me, not letting your mom help me. I pushed her away.”   Matthew looked away from Bo. “How long have you known, you know, you are,” he paused for a quick second before saying it “my real father?”   “Just a few months,” Bo said.   “How did you find out?” Matthew asked.   Bo remembered exactly. “It was after Sam died. He found out the hospital made a mistake when they told us that he was your father. He wanted all of us to know the truth. He wrote your mom and me a letter, telling us that I was your real father and not him.”   Matthew was quiet a minute. He looked up at Bo. “Why didn’t he tell me? Why did he keep it a secret if he knew?”   Bo tried to explain. “I think Sam loved you so much, for so long, that he was afraid if he told the truth, he might lose you.”   Matthew looked into Bo’s eyes. “To you?” Bo nodded. Matthew looked deeper into Bo’s eyes. “If Sam had told the truth, would you have tried to take me away from him?”   Bo wanted to look away from Matthew but couldn’t. “Maybe. Probably.”   Matthew started to feel torn between the father that had died and the father who had just found him. He spoke quietly. “I could have loved you both.”   Bo nodded his agreement at Matthew’s simple statement. If he had believed that 6 years ago, things might be different right now. “I know that now.”   Matthew voiced what Bo had just been thinking. “And if you had stayed with mom, we could have been a real family.”   Bo tried to apologize. “I’m so sorry for the time I lost with both of you.”   Matthew stood up, tears flooding his eyes. “Wasn’t there some way you could have loved my mom even though you were mad at her?”   “But I did still love your mom,” Bo insisted. “I just needed time to work through my anger and my hurt. And I have, Matthew. I forgave your mom a long time ago.”   Matthew looked away from Bo. “Then wasn’t there some way you could have loved me even though you thought Sam was my father?”   Bo corrected him. “Not could have, Matthew. I did love you and I still do. I have loved you since before you were born. And even after you were born and the hospital said that Sam was your father, I still loved you, because you were a part of your mom. You have to believe me.”   Matthew’s voice sounded so sad. “I don’t know what to believe anymore.” He looked back at Bo. “I would never leave someone I loved, no matter what. Never.”   Bo wanted to hold him and comfort him. “I made a mistake Matthew.”   “A pretty big one,” Matthew said, letting some of his tears fall. “And you can’t fix it either,” he added dejectedly, looking down.   Bo pleaded with him. “I can try, can’t I?” Bo pushed himself off the railing and stooped down in front of him, taking Matthew’s face in both hands. “If you let me, I will be the best father I can be.”   Matthew raised his eyes to look at Bo. “You say that now, and then maybe you leave again.”   Bo shook his head. “No, Matthew, no. I’m through running away from the people I love.”   Matthew closed his eyes, trying to stop the tears from squeezing through. “You once told my mom that you loved her, and then you left.” He opened his eyes, looking at Bo briefly. “What’s to stop you from doing that to me?”   Bo was starting to feel desperate. “You’re my son; you’re a part of me and I will never leave you.” Matthew shrugged, looking down again with his eyes. Bo brought his face closer to Matthew’s. “I want you in my life, Matthew. And I think you want me in your life, too. But mostly, Matthew, you and me, we need each other.”   Matthew closed his eyes tighter, wanting to believe him, afraid to believe him. “I want to believe you,” Matthew whispered. “In my heart, I really want to believe you.”   Bo was still holding Matthew’s head between his hands, using his thumbs to wipe the tears falling down Matthew’s cheeks. “Then listen to your heart,” Bo whispered softly. “In your heart, what do you feel there?”   Matthew’s eyes were still closed, the tears were still falling. “My heart just hurts.” He opened his eyes to look at Bo. “Is this how your heart felt when you left mom?”   Bo was trying to hold back his own tears. He knew the exact pain Matthew was talking about. And even though he had buried it deep down, the pain still bubbled under the surface every time he revisited the past. And now he wanted to ease that pain for his son. “I just know it hurt really bad,” he said to Matthew. “Because I wouldn’t let your mother back in. And if your heart hurts right now, I’m sure it must be the same.” Bo moved his hands down the sides of Matthew’s face to hold his arms. “But I’m here now Matthew. I’m right here. I love you and I’m not going anywhere. And I will do anything,” Bo squeezed his arms gently and repeated with emphasis, “anything, to prove that to you. Your happiness means everything to me.”   Matthew dropped his head so his chin rested on his chest. “I want to believe you,” he said, his voice just above a whisper. “But what about my mom? Do you still love her now?”   Bo whispered back. “Yes Matthew, I still love her. And I will never hurt her again.”   Mathew’s voice was barely a whisper. “I wish my heart could believe you.”   “Let me in, Matthew,” Bo whispered, starting to pull Matthew towards him. “Please let me in. Let me love you.”   Matthew lifted his head up to look into Bo’s eyes. Matthew saw so much love there, that he slowly let his body fall into Bo’s chest, wrapping his arms around Bo’s neck, resting his head under Bo’s chin. Bo pulled his son close, wrapping his arms tightly around his small frame, resting his cheek against the top of Matthew’s head, afraid to let him go, vowing silently he never would. To be continued