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Bo's Journey Home - Chapter 26 Nora paced around her living room, her eyes still red and watery from the tears she hadn’t been able to stop. It was after midnight. She glanced once more at her front door. She thought Bo would have been back by now. He always came back when they had argued in the past. But this time, he wasn’t coming back. She let out a heavy sigh. Just one more thing that was different between them, rather than being the same. She turned off the lights and headed up the stairs. There were just too many bridges burned between them; too many to rebuild. She checked in on Matthew. His eyes were closed, but she could see the dried tear streaks on his face. It broke her heart to see how her past mistakes were now directly affecting her son. She tucked the blanket around Matthew and kissed him softly.   She went to her bedroom and lay down on the bed, staring up at the ceiling. She glanced towards the clock on her night stand and then to the phone. She reached for the phone, lifted the receiver, started to dial, and then returned the phone to its cradle, pulling it onto her chest and hugging it with both arms. She slowly closed her eyes, thinking back to their bedroom in the old barn house. Somehow, after every argument, every fight, every disagreement, they had always managed to find their way up to their bedroom and their bed, making up to each other for every unkind word, every mistake. Well, almost every one. She could almost feel his arms around her, his cheek resting against hers as they would drift off to sleep, together.   She put the phone back onto the night stand. She rolled onto her side, grabbing a pillow and hugging it to her chest. She missed him; ached for him; and as much as she tried to stifle those feelings, every night, lying alone in the dark is when she felt those things the most. Their love-making had a way of wiping away all the worries of the day, all the demons of the night. Except the one that counted, the one that changed their lives forever. She allowed herself some relief as she curled her hand into a fist and slammed it down onto the mattress a few times. That hadn't taken much effort and didn’t help. She heaved a sigh.   She was so tired and sleep wasn’t even a refuge for her these days. The dreams and nightmares from their first year apart had come back to invade her sleep. Each night, she was forced to re-live her mistake and his leaving her over and over again. It was like a bad sitcom rerun, and it wasn’t funny. She thought she had gotten the dreams and nightmares under control. Each night in her dreams, she tried to change the reality of what she had done. And sometimes, it worked. For those few seconds between sleep and semi-consciousness, she believed they were in their bedroom back in the old barn house and he was lying next to her. She could almost feel him there beside her, hear his breathing. All she would have to do is open her eyes and he would be there, his eyes blinking back at her. It would be so real, that she would turn hopefully; only to find his side of the bed empty, her hopes diminished. And the reality of the past 6 years would start her day, yet again.   She rolled onto her back, releasing the pillow and rubbing at her eyes with her hands. She was bordering on exhaustion. She knew if she gave in and let sleep over take her, that the dreams would come in full force tonight. They always did after any close encounter with him. There were times she welcomed them, those dreams of him and of the sensation of him next to her. But she couldn’t go there tonight. She couldn’t wake up convinced he was there beside her and then not find him there. She wouldn’t get through the day this time. The dreams were starting to overwhelm her; starting to affect her when she was awake. Tonight was a perfect example.   Matthew’s story of how the man named Harry had saved his life had rattled her in more ways than one. In her mind, she could just imagine Matthew tumbling into the river just as clearly as she could see Bo standing on that ledge of the Banner Bulding all those years ago. The images seemed to interchange in her head. She had saved Bo’s life and started a connection between them they both thought would never be broken. But it had broken, though in some ways, it was still there. For her, she knew she was still in love with Bo but she was through taking risks where she and Bo were concerned. She couldn’t go through losing him again. Besides, she knew he didn’t feel the same way about her. He couldn’t. Not after what she had done to him, and to their lives. He might have convinced himself he had forgiven her, but she knew better. No man could ever really forgive a woman for the sin she had committed. She had broken their trust and ruined his life. She would never be able to regain his trust back. She knew that, accepted that. But if she couldn’t have his trust, she still had Matthew. She still had his son. And Matthew. What to do about Matthew? Was she ruining her son’s life as well?   She rolled onto her stomach, pulling the pillow under her head and glancing at the picture of Matthew on her night stand. Matthew thought his request simple; Bo move in, instant harmony, instant family. How could she explain to Matthew how complicated it really was? How could she explain to him the hurt, the pain, the span of time when Bo wouldn’t even acknowledge her, let alone speak to her? How did she explain to her son how long it had taken for Bo and her to build back to where they were right now? They were friends now, parents now. She liked what they had and was scared to death to lose it. If Matthew was the only way to have Bo back in her life, she would take it, thank God for it, and not risk it for anything more. Matthew would have to learn to understand. Matthew’s relationship with Bo would be different than hers. She was his mother. She could make him see that, couldn’t she? She rubbed at her eyes again. “Sure she could,” she thought sarcastically. Matthew was a Buchanan, his father’s son. Reasoning with him would be like reasoning with his father; pointless. Now she was getting angry all over again.   She got up from her bed and made her way downstairs. She went into her office and sat down behind her desk. Work was her anchor, her steadfast friend. Whenever the world got too crazy and overwhelming, her work was the one constant in her life. And there was plenty of it here. Her work had piled up over the past few weeks. She started to go through the papers, and slowly her brain started to kick in, her mind moving like a well oiled machine. She moved through the stack of papers, jotting notes on some, discarding others. She came across Matthew’s guardianship papers she had drawn up for her and Bo and she was right back to last night’s stupid argument. She leaned back in her chair. “Guardianship,” she thought out loud. Bo was Matthew’s father, not his guardian. She sat forward, resting her head in her hands. It never should have come to this. They should have been in this together, right from the beginning. “Stupid,” she thought. “How could she have been so stupid?” She glanced at her desk clock. If she had slept, it now was almost time for her to get up and get ready for work. Matthew would be getting up soon and Maryann would be here. Another empty night survived; another lonely day ahead. She would have to find Bo and talk to him, apologize. It was her turn to seek him out. To be continued…