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Bo's Journey Home - Chapter 31 Nora echoed his obscure statement. “Where we need to be?” She looked to Bo. “And where might that be?”   Bo gave her a knowing look as the car door was opened from the outside. “Come with me,” he said, before stepping from the car.   The sunlight streaming in from the open car door was blinding Nora. All she could see was Bo’s outstretched hand, reaching in to help her exit the dark interior of the limo. She reached for his hand and joined him outside of the car. She let go of his hand so she could use her hands to shield her eyes from the sunlight. It took a minute for her eyes to adjust to the brightness of the day. Once they did, she recognized where she was and suddenly all of the air left her lungs at once. Her chest felt as if someone had squeezed her tight and her breath was caught in her throat. She literally couldn’t breathe.   Bo saw her go pale. “Nora, are you okay?” he asked concerned, reaching for her and holding her gently around the waist.   She couldn’t speak. She could barely breathe. She couldn’t feel anything, not even his arm around her. All she could do was stare up at her house, their barn house, before her head was swimming with dizziness. Her stomach started to churn and she felt like she was going to be sick.   Bo continued to hold her. She was gulping for air. Bo could see the beads of sweat forming on her forehead. “Nora, honey, breathe. It’s okay. Please, just breathe for me.” Nora pushed away from him, bending over at the waist, much the same way he had done when he had come to the house the other night. Bo rubbed her back gently. “Come on, Red, deep breaths.” She was starting to scare him. Maybe this wasn’t such a good idea.   Nora continued to breathe in and out through her nose, trying to relax, trying to get control before she hyper-ventilated. She glanced back up at the house. The last time she was here, Bo had come for the corner stone. He had split the corner stone with her and told her he was selling the house; that they both needed to move on. It had been a real good-bye for them. “So what had happened?” she wondered. "Had he not really sold it?" She pushed those thoughts aside, concentrating on just getting her breath back. After a few minutes, her head was clearer and she felt a little better. She slowly leaned her way upright.   Bo was staring at her with concern. “Are you okay?” he asked again.   She nodded slowly, still not able to look at him. She was over the initial shock and now was nervous. She used her sarcasm to try and calm her nerves. “So this is it?” she managed to gasp out, glancing quickly up at the house. “This is where your great relief of the past came from?” She took a few more gulps of air, rolling her eyes at him. “As you can see, its working wonders for me.”   Bo gave her a weak smile. She was talking and making a joke. He knew she would be all right. He shrugged his shoulders much the same way Matthew did before nodding his head towards the house. “Just come with me into the house. You’ll see what I mean.” He reached for her hand and started to lead her up the long driveway.   She pulled back on his hand, holding him back. “Into the house?” She wasn’t quite ready for that. She continued her stall tactics. “We can’t just walk into someone’s house.” His eyes held a look she recognized as guilt. “Or can we?” She raised her eyebrows at him, her voice dripping with sarcasm. “You never sold it, did you?” He didn’t answer her. He just squirmed where he stood, much the same way Matthew did when he knew he had been caught doing something he shouldn’t. She rolled her eyes at him. “This is your idea of releasing the past?”   He shrugged again, tugging at her hand. “Just come with me into the house,” he repeated. He didn’t give her a chance to make another sarcastic comment. He held onto her hand and led her up the driveway. She lagged behind in his grasp as they made their way to the front door. This time, there was no hesitation for him as he let go of her hand and inserted his key, pushing the front door open. He stood back from the open door, staring at her, arm extended in invitation, waiting for her to enter first.   Nora didn’t move. She stared over at him by the door, looking deep into his eyes. His look back was almost a dare. He knew she wouldn’t hold back long. It annoyed her that he knew her so well to know that she wouldn’t back down from a challenge. She stuck her chin out ever so slightly, took a deep, calming breath, and walked past his extended arm, stepping over the threshold and back into their past. Bo followed behind her, shutting the door and the rest of the world out behind them.   Nora walked into the living room slowly, memories of their life together flooding her, overwhelming her, filling her up until she almost couldn’t breathe again. They had danced here, loved here, fought here, and ultimately, ended, here. She could see their past vividly as she moved slowly across the room, her five senses heightened. She could almost hear the music coming from the boom box on the mantle. She closed her eyes for just a second, hearing the music in her mind, almost seeing them dancing across the rooms of the empty house. She opened her eyes and inhaled deeply, almost able to smell the flowers that he had filled the house with to help her through the rape trial. The scent was so real; she half expected to see the flowers displayed around the house. She glanced over at the floor in front of the sofa, her tongue tingling, almost able to taste the root beer they had shared right after he had proposed; laughing at the prospect of what would become her long, rhyming name. She looked down at the floor where she stood, hugging herself with her arms. She could almost feel his arms around her as he made love to her right here in front of the fireplace. A lot of almosts.   Bo stood nervously in the foyer of the old barn house that they had once called home, watching her. He could see her mind working, and knew exactly what she was thinking. He had done the same thing when he had walked in a few days before. At least he had been by himself. Maybe he should have offered her the same courtesy. But he hadn’t, needing to see her reaction. If this was going to work between them, they needed to be honest.   She glanced slowly around the room. How could he bring her back here, so unprepared for this rush of emotion. She barely felt the tears that had started the moment she walked through the front door. “I can’t go back,” she managed to whisper, not able to look at him.   “I’m not asking you to go back,” he replied softly. “I’m asking you to remember so that we can go forward.”   She moved back towards the foyer, stopping to stand in the exact spot she had been in the day he had given her the symbol of his heart. The same heart she had carelessly flung out her car window in her own symbolic way. But while his giving had been sweet and thoughtful, her toss out the window had been reactionary and angry. Her hand moved subconsciously to her throat, reaching for the symbol that wasn’t there. She ached for his heart again, to own it, treasure it, protect it. It was her own heart’s deepest desire. But he could never give his heart back to her. She had been careless with it and had thrown him and his heart away. She moved from that spot, turning and looking back towards the stairs.   He saw her look and spoke to her softly. “We can go up together,” he assured her.   She shook her head slightly. She could barely get the words out. “I’m not ready.”   He nodded and she continued to walk around the living room, only now noticing it was filled with some of their old furniture. Well, the furniture he had taken. She recognized most of it from his Garrett apartment. He had been busy this past week. No wonder she hadn’t been able to find him. She moved back towards the fireplace, walking behind the couch. A lot of memories this old couch held. She smiled to herself as she trailed her hand across the soft, leather back. It was a good thing it couldn’t talk. She glanced around the room again, her eyes stopping on him, still standing in the foyer. He was staring at her intently. There it was again. There was something different about him; something about his eyes. He wanted something from her.   “Why did you really bring me here?” she asked, her voice full of pain and regret. “What do you want from me?”   Bo looked at her intently. “I want you to let go of the past, so that we can move forward. I want us to live here as a family.”   Her face and voice were full of disbelief. “And you think living here is letting go of the past?”   He nodded. “We’re both stuck here. And I don’t mean stuck here in this house. I mean we’re both stuck in the past. That makes Matthew stuck there as well. This house is a place for us to start forward. We don’t have to stay here, but we have to start here.”   Nora was trying to hold back her tears. “But we just can’t act like nothing has happened.”   “Who says were acting like nothing has happened?” he countered right back. “We have a son. We still have this house. We can have each other. I want us to try again.”   “Why would you want to try this again?” she asked him. “Why would you want to put yourself through this again?”   His response seemed simple. “Because I walked away. Because I didn’t fight for you or for Matthew.”   Her eyes were full of doubt. “No, Buchanan. There’s more to it. Tell me the real reason.”   He looked right at her. “Aren’t those reasons enough?”   She shook her head. “I know you better. So, if we’re going to be honest, then let’s be totally honest.”   He released a sigh. “Okay. You want honesty. Here it is.” He moved from the foyer towards the windows on the far wall, staring out thoughtfully. “For awhile now, I’ve felt like I’ve been on this journey; that I’ve been searching for something that’s just outside of my reach; that’s eluding me. I wasn’t even sure what it was I was looking for. I just knew I was on this journey, searching.”   He turned to face her again. “At first I thought I was looking for someone, someone that would share my life with me and be that one person in my life that could make me happy again. Yet every time I thought I had found that person, it just wasn’t right. It didn’t FEEL right.”   She interjected at that point. “And we both know how much we like that word.” She gave him a small smile, trying to lighten the seriousness of his mood.   Bo smiled back at her and continued. “You’ve been pushing feelings in my face and trying to get me to deal with them for years. But I never gave feelings much value. It was easier not to. I never gave any thought to your feelings so why should I face my own. It wasn’t until I left your house the other night; angry at what you had said about me, angrier at myself because you were right; that I found myself sitting in my car in front of this house, not even sure how I had gotten here. In my anger, I had subconsciously driven home.”   She gave him a strange look. He still referred to this house as home. “You never sold it?” she asked again. This time seriously.   He looked back at her, shaking his head. “I couldn’t. I tried, but I just couldn’t. The other night is the first time I’ve been back inside since we split the corner stone.” She was shocked. “It’s been empty all of this time?” He nodded. “Why didn’t you ever tell me?”   He shrugged. “I don’t know. Maybe I didn’t want you to know that I couldn’t let go. So, I hired a caretaker to keep an eye on the place until I was ready to deal with it. But when I ended up here the other night, I figured I should check the place out. I thought it would be easy enough to go inside and take a look around. But when I got to the front door, I could barely get my key in the lock. Hell, I could barely breathe. I was overcome with such feelings of fear and anxiety that they overwhelmed me. But I forced myself to go in. I forced myself to walk around. I went up to our bedroom, and lay down on the floor, and suddenly, all those feelings of anxiety and fear were gone. They were replaced with a calmness that I haven’t felt in a long, long time. A calmness and familiarity that only one person had ever given me in my whole life.” He looked at her. “You.”   Nora was overwhelmed with feelings herself. His description of how he felt coming back into the house had described her to a tee. But she was still afraid of what came after the fear and anxiety. So she held back again. “Is that why you brought me here, Bo? To flaunt your inner peace?”   “No! God, no. I brought you here because I thought it would help you like it did for me. I wanted it to be healing for us both. I’m trying to give you some of that same peace that I found; some of that same calmness and familiarity that I feel. You see, once I let those good feelings run through me, nothing hurt anymore Nora. I didn’t feel sad anymore. I didn’t feel lost anymore. I felt better. I was at peace, with myself and with us. My journey was over. I finally found what I had been searching for all this time.”   Nora looked around the room and then back at him puzzled. “What was it?”   Bo smiled at her, walking to her and stopping in front of her, placing his hands gently on her arms. “My heart.” He paused, still staring at her, still holding onto her. “I’ve been searching for my heart. I haven’t been able to find it for a long time. I wasn’t looking in the right places. And maybe that was part of my journey; the looking. Because my heart was right where I had left it; with the person I gave it to.” His voice got soft. “With you.”   Nora couldn’t believe she heard him right. She could barely look at him. Again, her hand went to her throat, reaching for the symbol that wasn’t there. “I can’t believe you still feel that way, even after I hurt you.”   Bo shook her arms gently. “It’s the one fact that never changed, even if it took me six years and coming back into this house to realize it. You own my heart.” Her hand was still at her throat and she wouldn’t look at him. He reached for her chin and lifted her face to his. “We’re connected; you, me and Matthew. To the past, to this house, to each other; I want us connected to the future. I want the three of us to be together, Nora. We deserve to be together. We deserve a second chance. And I want the chance to be a real father to Matthew. Our love brought him into this world. We owe it to ourselves and to Matthew to give ourselves a chance to find that love again. He deserves a home, with both of his parents. I want the three of us to live here. We move in here together, and we see what happens. You and Matthew can have the upstairs.” He pointed to the far hallway. “I’ve all ready moved all of my stuff into the study.”   “Why here?” she asked, starting to realize exactly what living in the house together would mean.   Bo shook his head. “We have something to settle. And we can’t do that anywhere but here.”   She took a few more breaths. “Settle what?” she asked confused.   His voice came in a soft whisper. “The past.”   Thoughts of being with him on a daily basis caused her mind to race. “Can’t we face the past somewhere else?” she countered, moving away from his touch and starting to talk quickly. “Why not my house? Matthew is all ready settled there. Or we could take a long vacation, maybe to your father’s ranch. You’ve told me the ranch is as big as Asa’s mansion. There are lots of rooms there, I mean room there, and, and, you know I’ve never been there and Matthew and you could do some father/son bonding over horses and cowboy stuff. We could be a family there.”   Bo smiled at her, realizing her concerns and cut her off. “First off, my Garrett apartment is too small to raise a child. And your house was Sam’s home, not mine.” He hesitated. “Nora, I’m not asking you to move back into my bed.” She raised her eyes at him as he continued. “I’m asking you to move back into my heart.”   She gave him a nervous smile. “You’re bed would be easier.”   He returned her smile. “That will come later.”   Her smile disappeared just as quickly as it had come, her hand back to her throat. “I’m afraid to take your heart again.”   He shook her arms gently. “But you’ve always had it. I never took it back. So if I’m not afraid for you to have my heart, why should you be afraid to have it?”   She still couldn’t look him in the eye, gently rubbing her throat. “Because you’re not the one who broke it. I am.”   He noticed her reaching for her throat again and lifted her chin so that she was forced to look at him. “Then you’re the only one that can piece it back together.” He reached into his pocket, pulling out the heart he had given her years ago, holding it out so that the heart dangled in front of her.   She could only stare at him and the heart, dangling in front of her. “Where did you get that?”   He smiled at her gently. “The same place I found your wedding band; lying in the road. The chain was broke and it was scratched up pretty bad. I told the jeweler to leave the scratches in it.” He looked at her deeply. “They kind of represent our life wounds, don’t you think?”   She still couldn’t look him in the eye. “And you kept it all these years?”   He shrugged again. “I was looking for the right moment to give it back to you. Then the whole Georgie thing snowballed, and the timing was never right. So I planned on giving it back to you the day our child was born.” He looked away quickly for just a second. “And we know how that all turned out.” He looked back at her just as quickly. “Its time for you to have it back.”   She moved away from him, shaking her head. “I can’t take it.”   “Why not?” he asked confused. He fisted the necklace through his fingers, holding it up in front of her. “This is just a symbol of what is all ready true. You are my heart, Nora. You own my heart. Its time for us to be together.”   She looked at him with amazement. “Why would you want to go through another round of us?”   His answer was quick and simple. “Because I still love you.”   Nora couldn’t believe she heard him right. She looked at him. It was so hard for her to believe him. How could he still love her, when she didn’t even like herself for what she had done to him. She had devastated him, there was no denying that. And no matter how much she loved him, the love he had given her had deserved so much better, more than anything she had given him in return. She spoke her thoughts out loud. “No. That’s impossible.”   He gave her a slight scowl. “What is? That I love you?”   She nodded. “There is no way you could still love me, after what I did.”   He heaved an exasperated sigh. “Are we back to that again?”   “Back to that?” she echoed him. “We never got past it.”   He pointed at her with the hand that was holding the necklace. “No, you never got past it. I told you I forgave you. So what’s really going on with you?”   She paused before speaking. “I’m afraid, Bo.”   “What are you afraid of?” he asked her, pulling her in closer to him. She opened her mouth to speak and he interrupted. “And don’t say it’s me. I won’t believe you.”   She shook her head, pulling away from him, trying someway to avoid telling him her greatest desire was also her greatest fear. “No, its not you, exactly.”   He jerked his shoulders in confusion. “Not me exactly?” he repeated her. “What does that mean? Are you afraid for us to be a family?”   She shook her head again. “No. In our own way, the three of us are a family.”   He looked confused. “Then what?” She didn’t respond. “Nora, please, don’t make me try and guess. What are you afraid of?”   She turned from him slightly before trying another avoidance tactic. “I’m afraid to let you love me again.”   He took her arms with his hands again, turning her back to face him. “You’re a terrible liar. Me loving you is not what you’re afraid of. So look at me, and tell me what this is really about.” He raised his eyebrows at her. “Where’s your honesty?”   She still wouldn’t look him in the eyes. Her response was almost a whisper. “I’m afraid,” she paused before starting again. “I’m afraid,” she paused again, trying to pull herself away from him. “I can’t do this.”   He shook his head, tightening his grasp on her arm. “Yes you can.” He then raised her chin with his hand again, the necklace laced between his fingers. “You’re afraid of what?”   She let the words go quickly. “To let myself love you.” She glanced at him quickly before continuing. “I don’t want to hurt you again. I like what we have right now. It took us so long to get here, to be friends again. I don’t want to take the chance of losing you again.”   Bo shook his head. “You won’t lose me.”   She looked at him doubtful, pointing back and forth between them. “And what if us doesn’t work? Are you willing to risk what we have now, what you and Matthew are just starting to have?”   He smiled at her, shaking his head slowly. “Always so positive,” he said sarcastically. She still had that doubtful look in her eye. He shook her arms gently. “Nora. I’m willing to risk everything for you and Matthew. I love you both more than anything in this world. You and Matthew are my life. There is no looking back for me. I will not live my life in the past anymore. And I don’t want you to either. Our past is over.” He held the necklace back up. “That’s what this is all about. Its time to look to the future. Do you understand?”   She shook her head. “No. I don’t understand. How can you just let it all go?”   He squeezed her arms gently. “Because living in the past is a waste of time and energy. And I want to direct all of my time and energy at being a good father to Matthew, and having a second chance with you.” He took her in his arms gently, pulling her into his chest, resting his forehead on hers. “Let me love you again. Let yourself love me again.”   Nora pulled back from his embrace, her hands pressed against his chest, pulling her head away from his. “Why would you want to give me your heart again? Why would you want to risk yourself like that again?”   Bo’s face was close to hers. “Because once you give your heart away, you risk more than yourself or your heart. You risked the one who held it. And you’re worth the risk.”   “But I’m still afraid.” She pushed away from him, looking at him hard. “The only way I can be sure I won’t lose you again is for you to hold onto your heart.”   He heaved a sigh. “Okay.” He reached for her hand and forced the necklace into it. “You hold onto this. When you’re ready, you let me know, and I’ll put it back on. In the meantime, we move in here together, the three of us, and see what happens. Deal?”   She was looking at him doubtfully. “You have this all figured out, don’t you?”   He nodded. “I know we can do this.”   She continued to move around the room. “I don’t know, Bo.”   He moved to her. “Did you notice you’re not crying anymore? Have you noticed you’re moving around the house now almost with comfort and ease?”   She looked at him, realizing he was right. She didn’t feel overwhelmed anymore. She felt, at peace. She looked around at the walls and the ceilings of this house she had loved so much. She closed her eyes for a moment, almost able to feel the love the two of them had shared here; back when love was easy between them; back when they didn’t have a care in the world. She turned back to him.   His eyes were filled with such emotion. “I want the three of us to live here together. What do you say?” She opened her mouth to respond and they were interrupted by a voice from the doorway. “Bo? Mom? Is this the surprise?”   To be continued.