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By Your Side (Part 8)   Last time:   She could see the pain in his eyes. The regret he felt. She knew he didn’t mean to hurt her. She knew he cared about her. And she could never compare him to that monster. He was everything she has ever wanted and it scared her to death.   N: Oh, Bo, it’s not that, it has nothing to do with what happened to me, to what he did to me. Oh, Bo, you are nothing like him. You are... you’ve always been gentle and soft with me, you cared about what I needed and wanted, you are nothing like him. He was a bastard that wanted revenge. He was brutally while you’ve always been tender. When I looked in his eyes I saw deep hatred and whenever we made love and I looked into yours I saw caring... I saw..   She paused. Her heart was pounding fast, almost to fast to bear. Her feelings were racing into her. The fear, the ache, the sadness, the desire, the pain, the craving for his heartbeats against hers, the yearning for his skin to touch hers. And then her tears began again.   B: What is it, Nora? If I didn’t scare you, why did you pull away? What did you see into my eyes?   N: I saw love.   B: But I don’t understand why you’re crying, I hate to see you cry; please tell me what’s wrong.   She looked at him deeply. She wanted to reach to him but she was deterred so she stayed still.   N: Because I saw love in them now too.   ********************************   They looked at each other for a long moment while the deep silence enveloped them. Bo slowly brought his hand to Nora’s face and tenderly wiped the tears from her cheeks. His touch against her skin still burned.   B: Oh Red..   He couldn’t find the right words to say to her. What could he say when he wasn’t sure what were his own feelings for her? He wanted her, yes. He longed to hold her in his arms, yes. His body ached for her touch, yes. But did it mean that he love her? That after all these years apart he could still feel that kind of love for her? He wondered. But then again, maybe it was only lust that he felt? He looked deeply into her eyes. No, it couldn’t be only lust, there was no way he felt only lust right now. Nora was right, she did see love into my eyes, because I do love her. What should I do? He felt lost.   B: I don’t know what to say, Nora.. I really don’t know..   She closed her eyes tightly. Her tears slowly rolled down her face. She wished she could disappear at that moment. She had so much on her mind, why did she have to face that now too? But was it right to keep shutting her feelings out? Wasn’t she deserved to be happy again? But could she really be happy with Bo again? No. I could never be happy with him again. And even if I could, the risk is too big to bear. I could never let him my heart again. I can’t take the chance I lose him again, I will never bear it again if I lose him. I promised I would get my life back I can’t risk that and I won’t let a momentary lust risk my life. She kept convincing herself. She slowly opened her eyes and looked at him. But his eyes, looking at her, that love reflecting back at her, his warmth, she wanted to have it all again. She needed to feel it again. She longed to feel complete again. Like she felt in his arms. But she was scared to death. She was petrified. She quickly wiped her tears away and got up. Maybe she would be able to think clearer if she were away from him   N: You don’t need to say anything, Bo. We.. we just carried away. I needed comfort and you happened to be there for me, that’s all. I don’t expect anything from you..   B: Nora...   He was shocked. Suddenly she wasn’t warm anymore, she was cold. He wished he knew what to say.   B: I think it was more than just me comfort you.   N: Whatever it was, Bo, I can’t and I won’t let myself think or believe it was more than you just comfort me.   B: You said you saw love into my eyes...   N: Bo I..   She paused. It was so damn hard for her. Yes, she did see love into his eyes. It was pure and honest love. And she felt it in his touch too. He wanted her, she felt that. And his hands melting her body, she wanted him too... Her gaze shifted around the room. She couldn’t look at him. She had to be strong. Her tears began again.   N: I was wrong, Bo, I mistook comfort in love...   No, you’re lying! He told himself. Suddenly he felt anger. He got up and walked to her. She turned around but he grabbed her arm and forced her to look into his eyes again.   B: I don’t understand what is it that going on into my mind and body right now. I’m so confused. But I do think that what you saw into my eyes was love. It wasn’t comfort or lust that I felt and I still feel, it’s more than that and you know that..   N: But I don’t want to know that, Bo.   B: Why? Don’t you think it’s time for us to finally be honest with ourselves and with each other?   N: I am honest with myself, Bo. I want to get my life back. I want to make sure that Matthew gets all the love and stability he needs. I need to focus on that.   B: What about what you need?   N: All I need is my son to be happy. That’s enough for me.   B: But what about your own happiness? You deserve to be happy, Nora.   N: And you think I can be happy with you?   B: I don’t know. We were happy together once..   N: But it didn’t matter when we broke up...   She slightly pushed him away and released from his hold. She needed to breathe again. It seemed like her breath was taken away while she was close to him. She wiped her tears. Bo said nothing. What should I say? He wondered. But while he was talking to her he felt more assured with himself. The need to have her became bigger. He loved her and he wanted to make her happy. But she was scared, he could see that in her eyes. Feel it when her body trembled while he was holding her.   B: You’re scared, aren’t you? That’s why you keep staying away from me..   She exhaled in despair. Should she expose herself to him? Would it be right to let him know how she felt? How scared she was? She kept asking herself. No, there was no use. She answered to her own questions.   N: I.. I’m not scared...   But could she keep lying to him? To herself? She covered her face with her hands. And her tears and sorrow mingled with slight laughter of despair.   N: God, I am scared, Bo. Can’t you see it? Ever since we broke up I couldn’t be myself anymore. I became this person that I can’t even recognize myself. And then my life started to fall apart. I’m tired of that person I became. I promised myself I get myself back. Me. The old Nora. The independent, funny, useful, secured, happy Nora I was once. The one I miss so much. I can’t let myself depend on you again, I can’t give you my heart again, and I can’t take the chance that...   She stopped. She needed to get air. She rubbed her nose. She felt so much pain. Bo watched at her. He was speechless. He wasn’t planning any of this to happen. He always thought he put Nora and their love in the past. But the last weeks he started to recognize some of the old feelings he had. And tonight he finally admitted to himself that he loved her and wanted her. But it was so painful. Nora suffered, he could see that. She suffered because she loved him. He walked closer to her. He wanted to reach to her, but she pushed him away.   N: No, please don’t. It’s so hard, Bo. I think you’re right. It was more than comfort or momentary lust, I love you, Bo. And it pains like hell. I don’t want to love you again, I want to move on, and I don’t want to need you or want you. I can’t let myself fall apart again.   B: Why are you so sure you lose me again? We can make it work if we want...   N: I want to be yours for a lifetime. You can’t promise me a lifetime, Bo..   B: I.. I.. I love you, Nora. I don’t think I love you I know that I love you. I can’t promise you a lifetime, but I do want to spend the rest of my life loving you and be loved by you.   N: It’s only words, Bo. I need more than words. All the times we promised each other that nothing would drift us apart. We said we were stuck with each other, that we would be together forever but look at us now, Bo. It was only words then and it’s only words now. I can’t take that risk, Bo, not now..   B: I don’t have something else, Nora. I have only words. Yes, the day we signed the divorce papers we broke our promises to each other. But it’s unfair, Nora. The time was different then, we were different. I will regret that for the rest of my life, Nora, but we can’t change what was already done, we can only change what we’re doing or will do now. I don’t think you can be happy while you love me but yet apart from me...   N: I can try to be.. anyway it will be better and easier than the pain of losing you again.   B: Why are so damn sure you will lose me again?   N: Because I’m human, Bo. I make mistakes from time to time, I can’t promise you that I won’t hurt you again just as you can’t promise me you won’t leave me again... Bo looked at her. He felt deep pain in his chest. She was right, he couldn’t promise her a lifetime, but he couldn’t lose her now that they finally confessed their love again. B: I broke your heart when I left, didn’t I? I disappointed you. I failed you. And I keep doing that, right? Like I failed you today.   Now he was the one who needed to stay away. She felt pain and sorrow. She followed him hesitatingly. Now she was the one who needed to comfort him. She stopped when she was close to him. He stood with his back to her. She didn’t touch him and he didn’t turn around. It was easier without looking at each other.   N: You broke my heart, yes. But I was guilty as much as you were. When you signed the divorce papers you disappointed me, yes. I always believed that we were strong enough, that we loved each other enough for that to happen without even a fight for our marriage, for our love. But I disappointed myself either. I never believed I could lose faith in your love for me, but I did. I didn’t believe in you or in me or in our love. But you did not fail me today, Bo. I mean that. I don’t think I could go through it without your support or understanding. That meant everything to me.   He turned around and looked at her. She could see the moisture into his eyes. And she could see the love again too. And suddenly she needed to hold him, to be held by him. And as if he saw her cue, he hauled her tightly to him and held her closer into his arms. She clung to him mightily. And they both started to cry.   N: Oh Bo... I love you. God help me, but I love you so much.   He softly stroked her hair. Their heads nestled on each other’s shoulders. He closed his eyes tight and breathed in her hair’s scent.   B: I love you too, Nora, more than you will ever know...   She pushed back a little so she could look at him.   N: I think I do know how much, Bo... I feel the same.   He wiped her tears with his thumb. And never took his eyes off of hers.   B: I don’t want to hurt you again, Red. I can’t promise you I will never hurt you, but you have to understand that I don’t want to be apart from you anymore, not now not ever. I’ve suffered long enough to know that I never want to feel that pain of losing you again. Please, you have to believe me, Nora.. you have to..   N: I don’t want to feel that pain again too, Bo. But what if..   He gently kissed her. She was taken aback by his kiss, but she responded to him. He kissed her deeply, leaving no doubt in her mind how much he loved her.   B: We can’t live the future, we need to live our present. Don’t think what if, but think of how much we love each other, how happy we can be together. I miss that, Nora. I miss you.   She softly caressed his face. She missed that too. She missed his touches, his kisses, his hugs, his smiles, his love. She closed her eyes and let her lips meet his own. She kissed him tenderly but yet fiercely.   N: I miss you too, Bo. I’m so scared. I want to give you my heart again, heck, you already have my heart, you were the only man I’ve ever given my heart to, when I gave you my heart in the first time, I gave it to you for eternity. But I’m scared to be left with broken heart again. I can’t do that to myself...   B: Please, don’t give up now. We both gave up our love once, but now we finally have the chance to build it again, to have it again. Don’t give up, Red. Let me love you, I’m begging you, give us a chance...   N: Oh, Bo.. I want that so much, I do but..   He gave her a quick kiss on her lips and then kissed her forehead, lingeringly.   B: Stop thinking with you mind, Nora...   He placed his hand on her chest and she softly covered his hand with hers. Holding his hand tightly. Her tears fell again.   B: Think with your heart. What does your heart tell you?   N: My heart tells me to let you love me... to let me love you..   He didn’t give her the chance to continue and brushed his lips against hers. Her lips parted. Wanting him. Needing him. His mouth explored hers with fierce passion. They started to step together towards the couch, never depart from each other. He laid her on the couch and covered her body with his own. When they finally broke their kiss to get air he looked deeply into her eyes.   B: Let me love you, Red.. I want to love you..   She stroked his face softly and pulled him to her so she could kiss him again. She wanted to be nowhere but in his arms. She wanted to do nothing but to love him. She needed nothing but to be loved by him. His lips trailed soft kisses on her neck. God, how much she wanted him. She wanted him now more than ever. She tightened her hold on him. She wanted to be one with him. His hands set her body on fire. Kissing her, touching her, he wanted to feel her. He wanted her to be his. He pulled her shirt over her head. His body craved for her. He gave her his heart again. He loved her again. He was complete again. He was happy.   To be continued..